Holidays are times spent with our loved ones. Not only are we in the midst of how to navigate spending holidays with loved ones, we are also facing holidays missing loved ones who have passed away. There will be many people experiencing holidays without their special person for the first time. In May, we talked about coping with grief in Grief in the Age of Quarantine and some of these ideas will carry into the holidays. 

During times where we celebrate togetherness, it is normal to miss our loved ones more than usual. Even without a pandemic, holidays can put a glaring spotlight on the person missing from the room. This year will be even tougher depending on your holiday plans. Many people may be alone during the holidays this year. It’s going to be hard. There will be tears, sadness and at times an empty feeling. But there will also be some smiles, joy and at times laughter. 

The one thing you should not do is walk the journey of grief alone. You are not alone and your loved ones are grieving the loss of their loved one too. Crying and expressing feelings welcomes others to do the same with you. The one you love is gone, but the memories aren’t. Say their name and talk about them. Remember the things they did and said. 

Here are some techniques for coping with grief during the holidays and ideas to grieve together. Some can even be done over Zoom:

  • Acknowledge that the holidays will be different and they will be tough.
  • Create a new tradition in memory of your loved one.
  • Plan ahead and communicate with the people you will spend the holiday with in advance, to make sure everyone is in agreement about traditions and plans.
  • Remember that not everyone will be grieving the same way you are grieving.
  • Light a candle in your home in memory of the person you’ve lost.
  • Cook or bake one of your loved one’s favorite dishes in your holiday meal with loved ones over Zoom.
  • Be honest. Tell people what you DO want to do for the holidays and what you DON’T want to do.
  • Make a memorial ornament, wreath, or other decoration in honor of your loved one.
  • If you have been having a hard time parting with your loved one’s clothing, use the holidays as an opportunity to donate some items to a homeless shelter or other charity.
  • Visit your loved one’s gravesite and leave a grave blanket, wreath, poinsettia, or another meaningful holiday item.
  • Play their favorite music- even if it’s not holiday music.
  • Leave an empty seat at the holiday table in memory of your loved one. You can do this over Zoom too.
  • Ask family and friends to share stories and pictures with you via mailed letters, email, phone, or video chat or via apps or social media that allow groups to share with each other (e.g., group chat, group messaging, Facebook).
  • Develop a virtual memory book, blog, or webpage to remember your loved one, and ask family and friends to contribute their memories and stories.
  • Have everyone share favorite stories about your loved one.
  • If you are attending a gathering, drive yourself so you can leave whenever you want.
  • Skip any Zoom events or gatherings if you do not feel up to it.
  • It’s okay to not decorate if you are not feeling up to it.
  • Watch your alcohol intake. Alcohol may seem like an easy solution, but it isn’t.

Ask for Help

  • Seek out grief counseling or mental health services, support groups, or hotlines, especially those that can be offered over the phone or online.
  • Seek spiritual support from faith-based organizations, including your religious leaders and congregations, if applicable.
  • Seek support from other trusted community leaders and friends.